blanket apology

You know when you think about that ten year high school reunion? I’ve still got a good four years to really concern myself with that particular event, but it creeps into my mind every now and then. I’m pretty sure that there’s only two thoughts that pop up when people think about that: you’re either excited about it because your life is going good, or you’re not because you think everyone else’s life is probably going so much better than yours. I’ve been one of the ones that is looking forward to it. It’s taken me six years after graduating to realize that the reason for that isn’t really because my life is going so great though, but because I really wanted to stick it to everyone for treating me so bad. I’m pretty sure that I’m not unique in that sentiment though. I mean, how many sitcom episodes have had that exact plot? (i typed this first part on my iphone, hence the proper capitalization and spelling. back to the topic.) i wasn’t ever really popular in high school. i looked around at the people i went to school with and thought about how dumb they were for whatever reason. either they were stupid for playing sports that no one cared about, or they were stupid for wasting their lives partying all the time, or they were stupid for making marching band the end all and be all of their existence, or they were stupid for choosing a guy that was obviously a worse choice than me, or they were stupid for any other myriad of reasons that i disagreed with. the bottom line is that i thought i was smarter and therefore better than all but a few of the people i went to high school with. i’m not gonna lie, it was rather fun at the time to make fun of people in a way that they didn’t understand, but that doesn’t make it right. it’s a very narcissistic way to live life and i don’t recommend it. i think one of the reasons i was so mean and just downright selfish was that i was never really comfortable with who i am. over the past year or so, i’ve really started to be able to see myself and develop a sense of identity. i know my purpose, at least for the time being. i know what i can and can’t handle. i know who i am and who i’m not. i feel like the first 23 years of my life was an extended identity crisis and like i’m finally on the other side of it. “the resolution of a lifelong identity crisis” isn’t the title of this post though. this is meant to be an apology. so here it is:

to everyone i went to high school with,
i’m sorry. maybe i was just jealous because you at the very least looked like you knew who you were. i was bitter and mean to you whether you knew it or not and that wasn’t fair to you. you didn’t fit in with my twisted little version of what the world was supposed to look like, and that was my issue which i unfairly took out on you. and for that, you have my most sincere apology. and i hope you’re somehow able to read this and accept it before we see each other again, whether that’s tomorrow or at the reunion in four years.

night and day

i think God gave us separate days with sleep in between so that we would could tell the good ones from the bad. i mean, what if we never slept and just had a constant state of being awake and conscious? what a horrible situation. people would ask you what was the matter if you looked a little down and you’d end up saying something like, “well it’s been a really rough whole life. i’ve been sick, i’ve been stressed, and my pets keep dying.” so good call on that whole sleep/wake cycle thing, God. if only i trusted that you knew what you were doing the rest of the time.

i watched a movie today

not that that’s anything out of the ordinary, i just couldn’t think of a title. i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again today. this was the second time i’ve seen that movie. the first time i saw it was when me and amanda were just dating. i had no idea how much more that movie would mean to me some three years later. there’s some amazing stuff in that movie about what intimacy really is, especially in light of the marriage retreat we’re fresh from. it was just really nice today to see some beautiful scenes of two very screwed up people who love each other and make the choice to love each other even though they know just how screwed up they both are. i think that’s what a functioning marriage is supposed to look like. that even after years of baggage you can look at the other person and make the choice to love them.

i’m gonna watch this movie again with amanda and see what she thinks about it

two categories

it’s rare that i get to put a blog into both the “family” and “on the road” category. i’m very excited about that. me and amanda went to the sandals church marriage retreat over this past weekend in irvine. that was a really good weekend right there. lately, amanda has not had much time off from work and she definitely needed a break. so it was really rare that she had, first, the whole weekend off and, second, that she even had the next two days off. so we definitely knew that we wanted to go somewhere other than home on sunday afternoon, but we could not for the life of us figure out where to go. so what else could we do but just drive to santa cruz where she has family and we don’t have to pay for a hotel and we get to see the ocean all the time? we got here by sunday night, hung out all day today in santa cruz, and we’ll head home tomorrow so she can get to work wednesday.

and that my friends is why there’s no baby quillen yet

a note to westboro baptist church

no one from that church will actually end up reading this, but i kind of hope they do.

as per this article on cnn, westboro baptist church is a church from topeka, kansas who had some members of their church get on a plane and fly all the way to maryland to attend a funeral for a soldier killed in iraq.

how thoughtful.

they went there to hold a protest actually.

how noble.

they apparently had something that God wanted them to say.

how righteous.

but apparently what God is interested in, according to westboro baptist church, is allowing the deaths of thousands of american soldiers because of our tolerance of homosexuality. not only that, but apparently God hates fags. and not only that, but God is to be thanked for dead soldiers and improvised explosive devices.

how shameful.

fortunately, legal action was taken against this particular group and the church is now ordered to pay $10.9 million. that wasn’t enough. there should have been a couple more zeros on that. it would make sense if that stopped this church from ever doing this again. unfortunately, you can’t fight crazy with logic. according to fred phelps who founded this church, this whole case is going to be appealed and it would “take about five minutes to reverse that thing.” this guy really is a bit off the deep end, and i really doubt how he can call himself a leader of God’s people. this particular quote is what cemented that opinion in my mind: “this will elevate me to something important. this was an act of futility.” let that sink in for a second.

mr. phelps, you are not God and you should not be elevated. this isn’t about you.

westboro baptist church, you should be ashamed of yourself. this was not loving your neighbor as yourself. and there’s no better way to hinder the truth of God than to publicly demonstrate hatred in God’s name.

if there are any homosexuals who happen to stumble across this for whatever reason, please forgive them. please forgive me. please forgive anyone who tells you that God feels negatively toward you as a person. God loves you. and even beyond that, he actually likes you. and all God desperately wants is for you to love him in return. that’s part of the image we were created in