25 (pt. 2)

my birthday is wednesday. every year for the two weeks or so leading up to my birthday, i get a little depressed. one of the reasons for this i think is that, with a couple exceptions, my birthdays are pretty consistently disappointing. i always feel so selfish, then consequently guilty about it. like if i want to plan something big that’s all about me i can’t help but feel selfish about it. but conversely, if i go the opposite way and don’t want to do anything at all, i feel like if i had friends that would want to celebrate my birthday with me that i was being selfish for not giving an opportunity for that happen. the other reason i get depressed near my birthday is because it’s a reminder that i am, in fact, aging. and i don’t believe that i’ve come to terms with my mortality. although i’ve known that for a little while now, i’ve never known exactly why.

i was at barnes and noble tonight and started reading a book about writers needing courage to write. it said that one of the fears writers have is that of writing about their own experiences. i don’t really have that fear when it comes to writing. i do, however, fear that i think of myself as a writer (sorta) and that once people read my stuff will disagree with me. anyway. as i was reading about that i started thinking about what i know from my own life. it’s not much, but i’ve really had to focus a lot of my inward development on the fact that i grew up without a dad. i started wondering if not having a dad could have affected my views on death and aging. at first it felt like i was just grasping at straws, but a couple of dots got connected for me. for example, there hasn’t been an older guy in my life that i’ve really seen age. the occasional male role models i’ve had never really stuck around long enough. so i haven’t seen a man cross that point from knowing their strength into watching their strength fail as time takes its toll. my grandpa was already an older man by the time i was born, so i haven’t been witness to a man growing in wisdom as they approach the age my father would be. i haven’t seen a full head of hair go completely gray, i haven’t watched a man go from father to grandfather, and i haven’t seen a man leave this world when it was his time.

i know that death and aging are as natural as living. i had to learn to start living as a man without the direct influence of a father. now i think it’s time to learn how to get older as a man.

side note: this wednesday, 6:30 at joe’s sushi. birthday dinner, all are welcome

foiled again

I started weight watchers again. I know, there’s that huge “middle aged woman” stigma about it, but it works. I know because I did this about a year ago and went from 185 to 152. unfortunately, since then my weight has crept back up to 170 as of four weeks ago. (back to 164 now.) I got so close to my goal of 145 last time before unintentionally giving up. I’m motivated again though and I have the confidence to be able to do this. I’ve been doing good in the face of some of my worst food temptations. when it comes to said temptations though, I picked a horrible time to start a diet. actually, no, I’m placing the blame squarely on those sadistic bastards at nabisco who seem to have this frightening insight as to what combinations of fattening flavors weaken my personal willpower.

25

it’s still april 9th according to my sleeping times. that being said, i will be 25 years old in exactly two weeks. i never got in the right mindset about coming into my mid-twenties and i think that’s hindering me now. last year i was super busy and didn’t even realize my birthday was coming up until like three weeks before. all of the sudden i’m in the “mid-twenties” range and i was freaking out. like what the hell happened to my early twenties? like, that’s it; there were officially no excuses for not acting like a grown up. yesterday i was a (slightly) irresponsible high schooler. now it’s like if i don’t have a degree, wife, kids, and well respected job i’m way behind everyone else my age. one out of four ain’t bad, right? i still don’t feel like a grown up in a lot of ways. maybe it’s that i’m feeling rushed into an adult life i don’t feel i was ever really prepared for. or maybe i just want to hold on to excuses so that i can be as irresponsible as i want to.

regardless of the reasons, i’m feeling old

nm

i’m in new mexico again. in some ways this state is growing on me, but in other ways i feel like the southwest just kinda sucks in general. i have no real rhyme or reason why i feel one way or the other about it though. more later, cause i need a shower.