rough couple days

by now, i think most of you have heard about what’s happened to me. for those who haven’t, here’s the story. sunday night after playing at church i loaded up all my gear (two basses, amp, big ole speaker cab, and pedalboard) into my car. then me and amanda went out to dinner with a couple friends and came home. we both stayed up kinda late and slept in for a while. i had had a very long sunday and she was working that monday night. neither of us had gone out to the car until amanda was about to leave for work around 6:15. i noticed something wasn’t right though. it took a second to put together, but i saw into the back of the car where all my gear was and noticed that it, in fact, wasn’t there. none of it. none of my equipment was in the back of my car. and there was a window that was mostly not there either. so here’s what it looked like from the outside:

here’s what it looked like from the inside:

and finally, here’s the sight that brought the nightmare home:

apart from the obvious feelings of loss, violation, anger, and depression that come along with something like this it feels like there’s something larger at work. i’m starting to connect the dots on everything and it feels a little too coincidental. i feel as if it were an act of war and i’ll explain what i mean by that.

if you read the last entry to my little blog you would have read about what exactly music means to me and how i commune with God. and i also just kind of briefly mentioned that the reason i know exactly why God called me to play music was because He’s the one who created me this way. i really don’t believe in some kind of sadistic God that creates people to experience Him in a certain way and would then make it impossible to participate in. i don’t really see that God in the bible. i’m definitely not the first person in the world to have this happen to them. i know this kind of stuff (and worse) happens every day and i know one of the first reactions so many people have is this: “how could God let this happen?” i know that God didn’t “let this happen.” there’s a reason the Lord’s prayer asks for God’s will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. God’s will isn’t always done on earth, and THAT was not God’s will. it was not his will that the tools i use to connect with Him, lead his people in worship, and even as a source of income be forcibly taken from me. there was another will at work when my gear was stolen.

there’s way too much that’s been going on in my life right now to chock up the theft of my music gear as random or coincidental. i don’t think it’s too coincidental that when one of my friends found out told me, “the enemy’s pissed you’ve been using that stuff.” it’s not coincidental that sunday afternoon i finished my last small group leader training for a small group that God’s already doing work on. it’s not coincidence that the level of spiritual growth in me and my wife’s marriage has been more intense in the last few months than in the preceding three and a half years. it’s not coincidental that this happened after a day of playing at my church. it’s not coincidental that every time i’ve played at church recently people have been encouraging in ways i hadn’t imagined. it’s not even coincidental that of all mornings at my church my main bass wasn’t working and i had to go home to get my backup and that’s why both my basses happened to be in my car that night. it’s also no surprise that because of this happening, feelings of insecurity and worthlessness have been creeping back in. it’s hard to feel the loss of the tools of my trade while simultaneously feeling like i need those to perform a job i haven’t had but a few times for months. top that off with doing taxes today and seeing just how little i worked and still how much of a headache filling out the self employment forms are.

so i’ve had a rough couple days here. i think i’m in a good place though. i know that it was not God’s will that my stuff get stolen. i am praying that His will be done from this point on though. there’s nothing wrong with me praying for a miracle that i get it all returned. i know that God is much bigger than the events that have occurred so far. He can use this to bring other people to Him whether i get my stuff back or not, and in the grand scheme of christianity i’d rather have that happen. not my will, but His be done

“so what inspires you to lead worship?”

a lot of you know that recently i’ve been playing at sandals more often than usual lately. what you may not know is that every thursday night is rehearsal for the following sunday, and that there’s a kind of small group time that is the first thing on the agenda for the night. the big discussion topic for last night was the idea that all of us on stage are leading worship, not just the person who is singing the song at the time. the follow up question for us to answer was this: “what inspires you to lead worship? and also, what would be something that hinders you from it?” it was funny because as other people answered the question they would frequently mention that seeing people who are really into the music and reacting to it is a big deal for them, and flatteringly enough, more than one person mentioned how they love seeing me get into it on stage like that. i didn’t get a chance to say anything at that time because i always have trouble putting thoughts into words and it takes me a long time to do that. i really thought about that though.

what inspires me to lead worship is music. i don’t think a lot of people know this about me, but i don’t really hear music, i feel it. for whatever reason, God wired me up some way that music deeply affects me. i don’t mean lyrics or words either, i mean music. the right tone in the right chord with the right melody can cut right to my soul and bring me to tears faster than anything else on earth. being at a radiohead concert or listening to arcade fire is for me what hiking into the woods and seeing a perfectly blue sky is for a nature loving person. and when i’m playing music, it’s as if God has told that nature person “now BE the perfectly blue sky.” there’s a reason i move around like a big dumb goofball on stage. i honestly can’t help it. and very few people know this, but when you see me on stage you’re just seeing my body. i’m in another place. i guess to continue the analogy, i’m in that peaceful meadow after a day of hiking laying down and looking at the sky. which is why when i’m playing music, i don’t feel like anything could take me out of that and hinder me from that focus. i can play songs i don’t like with people i don’t care about for people i don’t know, but in that moment i’m communing with God.

so. what inspires you to worship?