overcoming average(?)

because it’s something the world just needs less of

how it feels to be damned

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some of you may or may not know this, but apparently i’m going to hell. not the cutesy “you’re gonna go to hell for that,” but the actual conviction from a believer in Christ that when i die, i will not see them in heaven. this can be hard to accept for anyone who’s heard it themselves, but for someone in a christian band, it can be particularly jarring. i’m not really speaking of any one particular person or event that pointed this out to me, this is more of a sum of the last six years of my life. weird right? i don’t even have any tattoos yet.

how do you handle something like that? how can you hear what some people say about your salvation and not go insane? it’s amazing the reasons some people think you can go to hell for. here’s a few i’ve gotten: my hair’s long, i had my eyebrow pierced, i’m thinking about getting a tattoo, i play music that doesn’t have the word “Jesus” in it after every line in the chorus, i play music louder than 90 decibels, i play an electrically amplified instrument, i go to a church where my pastor cussed from the pulpit (more than once, too), i use cuss words myself, i have on several occasions worn jeans and a t-shirt to church, i don’t hate gay people, i deeply love my “heathen” brothers and sister, i might not vote republican in the next election, and to top it off i am half-mexican. that’s just off the top of my head. it’s startling to me that christianity has become such a condemning thing. what strikes me even more is that for the past six years i’ve devoted my life to playing music for a group of people that, if they really knew me, would probably think i was one of the heathens they were out to save. so i’m asking you: how would you deal with that? how would you feel if no matter how devoted you knew you were, there was always someone, and probably more than one, who knew for a fact that you were going to hell and they were not?

here’s how i’ve dealt with it. i’ve inadvertantly become exactly what they were condemning. i’ve gotten so angry with it that i couldn’t see straight. i feel like the only people i’ve honestly hated were other christians. and what have i gotten mad about? that they weren’t as loving or accepting as i thought they should have been. and i’ve had to ask forgiveness for it. even Jesus, deep down, loved the pharisees and wanted them to really understand who he was. until i can love the people who damn me, i have to ask God’s forgiveness because i’ve made the mistake of damning them right back.

song for the moment: “track 20 (teach me as i like to call it)” by daniel dixon

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Written by matt

May 14, 2007 at 4:40 pm

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