overcoming average(?)

because it’s something the world just needs less of

25 (pt. 2)

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my birthday is wednesday. every year for the two weeks or so leading up to my birthday, i get a little depressed. one of the reasons for this i think is that, with a couple exceptions, my birthdays are pretty consistently disappointing. i always feel so selfish, then consequently guilty about it. like if i want to plan something big that’s all about me i can’t help but feel selfish about it. but conversely, if i go the opposite way and don’t want to do anything at all, i feel like if i had friends that would want to celebrate my birthday with me that i was being selfish for not giving an opportunity for that happen. the other reason i get depressed near my birthday is because it’s a reminder that i am, in fact, aging. and i don’t believe that i’ve come to terms with my mortality. although i’ve known that for a little while now, i’ve never known exactly why.

i was at barnes and noble tonight and started reading a book about writers needing courage to write. it said that one of the fears writers have is that of writing about their own experiences. i don’t really have that fear when it comes to writing. i do, however, fear that i think of myself as a writer (sorta) and that once people read my stuff will disagree with me. anyway. as i was reading about that i started thinking about what i know from my own life. it’s not much, but i’ve really had to focus a lot of my inward development on the fact that i grew up without a dad. i started wondering if not having a dad could have affected my views on death and aging. at first it felt like i was just grasping at straws, but a couple of dots got connected for me. for example, there hasn’t been an older guy in my life that i’ve really seen age. the occasional male role models i’ve had never really stuck around long enough. so i haven’t seen a man cross that point from knowing their strength into watching their strength fail as time takes its toll. my grandpa was already an older man by the time i was born, so i haven’t been witness to a man growing in wisdom as they approach the age my father would be. i haven’t seen a full head of hair go completely gray, i haven’t watched a man go from father to grandfather, and i haven’t seen a man leave this world when it was his time.

i know that death and aging are as natural as living. i had to learn to start living as a man without the direct influence of a father. now i think it’s time to learn how to get older as a man.

side note: this wednesday, 6:30 at joe’s sushi. birthday dinner, all are welcome


Written by matt

April 22, 2008 at 1:38 am

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